The fall of Himbo

I collapsed finally. I meant it literally. After my last spinning class, I suddenly felt faint and blacked out on the way to the changing room. Its embarassing. But i m not really in the mood to be affected by the embarassement. A sweet gym manager offered to drive me back in my car. I declined. I have some work to finish up. Just finished. I am not trying to push myself or any thing to this sort. I just wanted to keep my mind and body tired. And at this point, I just want to be surounded by strangers. All busy with their beauty regimen. Its a bizarre kind of comfort.

i finally broke my rules last night. I took 3 prescribed sleeping pills With heineken and viper thrown in. Ya. I was trying to kill myself. I was popping till the count of three when i remembered Rosie. She was meowing very loudly in the background. No one is going to care for her if i leave. She will become an alley cat again. I remembered a chinese student that i am coaching personally , on his coming exams. I want to see him passing his English papers eventually. I cant just leave.

Depression has stuck with me , almost thru out my whole life span. Just like any other guy on the street that has heredity hepatatis. Nothing to scream or mock for. It's just a lingering illness. I have long accepted it. But it is time like this that it becomes scary. The uncontrollable urge to inflict pain on oneself. To ease the pain. I cant control feeling suicidal. I have been having this urge since young. I guess i have a relapse yesterday. Its scary. Even for myself. Not to be able to control myself. It hapens whenever i cant contain my emotions. I will go berserk. But most of the time, I try to do sports or shop and work , to keep it under wrap.

My inner demon is still urging me to kill myself. But i just cant. The god ,that i believe in, wouldnt want it that way. If not, i would have died long before this. Maybe God feels that i am strong enough to overcome this. I try to convince myself constantly with this thought. That he or she has it all planned up. But honestly, i do hope God can take me away soon. It's like lifting myself and others off this heavy burden. I am looking forward to this day. Morbid but true. Like kaboom..dead before i know it. No more nightmares. No more past. No more future. Period.

I just want to voice my thoughts here. i hope no one will be disgusted or upset over this blog. If anything should happen, i just want my blog web and my diaries to document the mere existence of me.