iVice

Lukewarm sunlight embracing a mast of black

I finally fell sick. The long hours of work, commuting and gym stretched my long overdue body to a new low. Yet i went to the gym at 10pm just now. Not that i am a gym rat, but more to release a puny bit of stress from my zonked-out nerves.

V is moving out tomorrow. I have never blog much about him. I know he will be reading it. I do not want to add more tension to our strained friendship.

A few days back,we had a good talk. Discussed and concluded that this may be the best option.

Like wat i told him, words fail me. Care and concern place at the tip of everything i say and do is never my forte.

Ultimately,i broke down. Shed a tear when i listened to this fast track when i was gyming just now. Cant imagine a fast track like this could struck a chord in me.

Want to share this song with all of you. Till i find out the way to waveblog, here is the lyrics. For my best pal, who went thru the darkest day of my life.


Please stay
Kylie Minogue

I fell in love with you
The moment that we met
And till the end of time
I never will forget
I lose it every time I'm close to you
Under your spell you know there's nothing I can do

Please stay my babe
Who knows when we'll dance again
Don't want to know regret
I'll do all that I can just to get you
To stay my babe
Who knows when we'll dance again
And I don't want to say goodbye
But who knows where we'll be after tonight

iRead- 南京大屠杀

Iris Chang- Author of Rape in Nanking

Reading Iris Chang 's Rape of Nanking now. Picked it up in a bookstore a few days ago. Only after reading an article on her sucide..

It was mentioned in the article that her last words, were for people to remember her as a person dedicated to her passion and causes etc.

Though i have heard about this widely acclaimed book during my school days, i pretty much gave it a miss. I was never overly enthusiastic about historians' research piece.

In the midst of reading it, my kudos to her. Her impartial account of the holocaust in the view of three parties ( The Victims, The Japanese, and The witnesses) was exemplary.

She reminds me very much of Nien Cheng, the author of Life and Death in Shanghai. The workings of a brave soul, that expects everything from themselves, nothing from the others.

Nien Cheng was one of my most remembered author. After reading her book ( light years back..), i was so inspired by her! I even wrote her a letter! Hehe..but did not manageto mail out.

The sole reason that these people are passionate about their passion encompasses my utmost respect for them.

How many people, in this world, are bold to step out of their nutshell, just to find and work their dream out?

iRoute

Was having lunch with mx this afternoon. We were chatting and catching up after two weeks of not meeting.

mx and I have the most extraordinary connection. We are neither overly chatty on the phone or have a habit to keep in contact daily. However, its just that our lunch appts are always magic. We trust each other in a way that seems so unjustified for two lost blood kins whipped together in an irony of fate.

As such, i always look forward to our light hearted lunch out.

mx and I were never close since young.Or perhaps, i have to confess i never did attempt to want to know any of my blood kins. Even when i started confessing to her in the gym, i merely thought she would received this "sock in the gut" and give me this false smile and never chat again. Thats wat i wanted. I wanted her to be embarassed in a way how hetreosexual are not open to the rising of the queers. Fortunately, she was unfazed. :-) And i love her for that, amongst many reasons.

**************************************
She spurred me into thinking again today. And i want to share it with all of you.

We were chatting about a joint venture. And she asked, " How confident are you in this taking off?"

I stumped for a second. I rebound as quickly.

Honestly, i have never exactly thought about it- Success.

Not because it is not in my mind. Its just that i may have seen success at a different platform. To me, my success will be my courage to not conform.to twirl out of the social entwinment. To step out to do wat i see passion in. To me, even if money is lost, i emerged as a winner, in my own rights.

Route. Its not about sticking to the expressways. Its about exiting from it at the right time. To know the reason you exit. To know the reason you exist.

iGrain

Just got back from a gathering. An aquaintance insists on me going for a drink and meeting some friends. I finished work late. Dinner was over when i arrived. It turns out to be a blind date session.

Sighh..the guys look awesome. Most of them. Good career prospects as well. But alas, they just lack realism. They look so immaculate, so proper. So well put together that make me seems so revolting in comparison. I was almost dragging myself there after a long day.

They all seemed so fresh.I am wondering what jobs do they hold .They could jolly well be so stress free on a thursday night.

I reckon when one gets older, we seems to be as interdependent as we are loners. As oxymoronic as it sounds, but no pun intended. Its true. Interdepedent as we do understand that man needs people to get things done.Period. Loners as we really do not need anyone emotionally to suffice. But i am sure not everyone sees this in parallel.

Anyway, tired day. Long day again tomorrow. mx not back yet. Missed her. Hope all is well. Work must be up her neck i presume.

iMovie : Jeux d'enfants

La Vie En Rose

Hold me close and hold me fast
The magic spell you cast
This is La vie en rose

When you kiss me heaven sighs
And tho I close my eyes
I see La vie en rose

When you press me to your heart
I'm in a world apart
A world where roses bloom

And when you speak...angels sing from above
Everyday words seem...to turn into love songs

Give your heart and soul to me
And life will always be
La vie en rose

by Louis Armstrong June 26, 1950.

iPasse

I met up with an old friend , Q, lately. Q and I have been close friends since my preppy school days. At that time, he was still an insensitive hetreosexual and i was still this closeted queer that is in a monogamous relationship. We did not hit it off immediately. But the friendship grew gradually. We became strong platonic buddies.

Between the interim of then and now, zillion of things happened. To fast forward the occurence of events ; We lost contact. We were hurt. Tired. Preoccupied. Moved on.

In recent years, he got me email addr from a common friend. We started emailing, the friendly and proper type of correspondence.I never intend to meet him again. There are too much demons in that past frienship that i had chucked aside, not wanting to face. Till after two years of persuasion by L, I relented.

The meet up was gauche. Every silence was deafening. Till all four of us[met up with another two as well] warmed up. We chatted animatedly , like no tomorrow. Till the cafe closes for the day. Yes, indeed, just like the old days. But with the maturity and pragmatism of adults. Aspirations were shared. Jokes were laughed at.

I could not get to sleep that night. There was just too much memories flooding in.

The next day, Q popped me a text : " The minute i saw you, i have so much to say, to share. Friendship never really dies off! "

Yes. i felt the exact sentiment as well. That connection.
Friendship never dies. It simply evolves into a different form.

Current mood : Nostalgic

iHse

.

Have not been blogging for the past few days. It has been a helluva week at work.

V has been giving me immense stress as well. Sending me letters and notes. I have yet to reply to any. Not beacuse i do not care, but i simply do not know what he wants anymore.

Audience, how do we make someone realise his importance without igniting his insecurities?

I missed mx at this moment. She is out of town for work and also preoccupied with future prospectives.

Current mood : Just like the picture [ grey and cast away]

iCast

Feeling Down today.
Despondent with a perpetual low confidence level.
How am i going to attend my meeting to convince
and to sell later?

Current mood: Downcast

iChine II - 回到原始

The biggest irony of all :

I got back the phone i had been using one and a half year ago.
How many thousands have i wasted searching for THE phone and
, here i am, back to ground zero. perhaps i should come out with
"101 Tips of spotting THE Phone"

I guess life experience is as applicable as this "ideal" of mine.

iLate

" Where would you want to settle down when you are old?"
*********
This seems to be in twilight years later but i was chatting
with a fren online and it spurs me into penning my opinion
down.
*********
"of course i want to be here, where all my family and loved
ones are." he chirped.

As for myself, i do think otherwise.

I was raised in a workaholic themed environment, where
work commitments run deep and precede over other 'trivial
issues'. As such, i was never physically or emotionally close
to any of my folks. Its nothing to whine about. Just how things
operate in my family.

As for loved ones..who are they exactly?
The current ones, passe ones, or the coming ones.

My idea of the prefect aging in happiness, if not in grace:

To wake up. Go for gym. Buy flowers for the house.
Enjoy my cup-pa whilst reading the daily news.
Get to work that i have passion in.
Meet up with frens for dinner or
munching a sandwich while reading a book in a cafe before
retiring for the night.

On weekends, good movies is a sure must with the usual
weekly gossips at tea.

And yes.No more sex drive. No more dominance of the brain
by the aging willie.

That is what i want. In hypothetical context, i reckon. I can even picture
this while i am typing away now.

iChine- 寂寞不能入眠的黑夜

I never tried blogging online till i was aware of fridae a year back.
Prior to this, i penned all my thots,happiness, fear and aspirations in
my quaint black book.

I always aspires to be a writer or a poet. Or I have always look at them
full of admiration. They are able to perceive the surroundings in a different
shade of light. To be able to metaphor-size them into beautiful words. Just
like magic. That people could feel for the words without visual aids.

I aspire to be one in my old age. When material fulfillment ceased to quench
this superficial mind of mine.

The past few months have been with blips, more often than i could handle.
However, i REFUSED to let them crush me. But to take it with my head tilt
high, grinning more when i am teetering even more inside. To tell the
world that i will not be puny and weak.

Audience., let me tell you, its a tough task, trying to convince yourself, esp
when there are times when your Bionic confidence fails.

Current mood : Crappy

iMobile

Haizzz, my newbie mobile phone broke down again.
Time to archive! 4th in the past 2 years.

It just seems that so many things have broke down
in my life broke down recently.

Think i am just going to leave it and just not think abt it.

iRage

I read an article about a cyclist being knocked down by a bus, a few days back.
The cyclist was critically injured and passed away not long after being sent to
the hospital.

I do think that drivers by and large do not have the slightest vague idea about
the right of cyclists riding on a busy road. Are main roads safe and legal for
them to cycle? As drivers, how do we access which road is a main road, but not just
a side one? I do observe that some side roads are just as busy. What benchmark
does the authorities use to gage the skills of a cyclist to deem the latter safe to
cycle and not just only in the park? A youth can be skilled just as an adult can be as
amateur... As a driver, it freaks the daylight out of me when i encounter cyclists
"swaying" as they ride? Does cyclists have as much rights as drivers even if they
have not undertaken any form of test? As a ignorant driver as i am, i know nuts!

It is such a major transformation i do have whenever i am behind the wheels. This
irritable, road rage monster possesses me instantly. Every taxi's abrupt stop on the
busy by way irritates me no end..

As much as i am blissfully ignorant, i do have to count my blessings that i am in this
part of the world, shielded by the brute of the tsunamis waves, all thanks to Malacca
straits and Indonesia archipelago.

I feel painfully guilty to be in the rut while people at some miles away are trying
to pick up the bits and pieces of what remains of their life. Shouldering the trauma and
recuperating from the scar of this lifetime. It just seems that, the coverage was that extensive,
even in China and Taiwan, that we can emphatise via satellite.

*****************

At work today, i gave a book, titled Black Beauty, for a kid picking English. That megawatt smile
and the attention he immerses himself into that story just make my day a more pleasant one.

Though how mundane and stressful work seems to be, that little more effort that we allow ourselves
to dedicate, will ultimately reaches back to us, in that twinkle that shines thru the bleakness.

Current mood : Blah

iQuo

" Life frightens me sometimes..
I don't happen to take that as a premise for everything else.
I am going to give my 101% and go as far as I can.
I'll take what I want and leave what I do not.
That's how I intend to live my life.
And, if things go bad, I will stop and reconsider at that point.
An unfair society is a society that exploits your ability to
your limit. " - Haruki Murukami's Norwegain Wood

It seems that a couple of my loved ones, including myself, have
been facing hiccups at work lately. This quote is for all the
despondent souls, esp my loved ones.

Current Mood : Apathetic

iSeed

Just hung up the phone wif my ex ,a.k.a bastard of the century.
I loaned him a sum of money for his "emergency"
Apparently, he was supposed to e-transfer money to my acct every month.
He religiously fogets doing so for wat he claimed overlooked due to "chaotic work schedule".
Above that, he never jots down my acct number on paper,
i have to text him the digits every month.

Audience, this is the man i fell for. That i shed tears for.
The man i wanted to give up many aspirations for.
How silly can one gets?

Current mood : Aggravated